Nothing I write will prevent a crush of teen girls from rushing out to see “Twilight.”
Everyone else — you’ve been warned.
The wildly popular book by Stephenie Meyer has a built-in audience, the most valuable asset in Hollywood these days. But here’s betting the film won’t draw a lick of interest from outside that core demographic.
The “Harry Potter” series proved you can take a kiddie book and make it an appealing franchise for all ages.
Nothing doing here.
“Twilight” follows Bella (Kristen Stewart, sullen when she isn’t being mopey) as she moves into a new home in Washington state. She immediately attracts a throng of friends — wish fulfillment alert! — as well as the stink eye from a very pale student named Edward (Robert Pattinson).
Edward eventually blinks. He starts chatting up Bella and the pair strike up a connection that feels like an After School Special romance – at best.
But Bella is a sharp one. She notices Edward’s skin is pasty white, he never hangs out in the sunshine, his skin is ice cold and his buds are similarly pale.
“You must be … a vampire!” she cries.
Stand back, Sherlock Holmes.
It’s barely worth breaking down the rest of the film’s failings, so let’s do a lightning round version to save us all some time.
Special effects? Not so special.
Acting? Yikes, although to be fair there’s little you can do with lines that clank to the ground with a deafening thud.
There’s zero tension throughout the film’s second half as Bella and Edward swap moist gazes, although it’s hard not to wonder why she likes kissing him if his skin is the temperature of a milk bottle.
“Twilight” could have been a franchise, and it still might if youngsters keep coming back for more of this toothless vampire saga.
(Photo: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson star in “Twilight,” the film based on the widely popular novels by Stephenie Meyer)
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
h8r!
Chase: Aww, the little Twitard can’t stand opinions that differ from his/her own.
Sympilt: I’m pretty sure that Chase is being sarcastic.
Chase is all about the sarcasm!
I’m going to see the movie tonight (not becuase it was my idea), and I don’t think it looks too good either… The lighting is always the same.
Thanks for the insight.. while he looks like I would have imagined Edward Cullen, that is not enough to get me to go.. and my daughter refuses to see the movie. They don’t trust Hllywood at all after Eragon.
Sympilt:
All I can say is that the movie simply has to be better than the book, since the book was . . . well, so horrible it became hilarious — HILARRIBLE!
Are you coining a new phrase, MM??
In the movie they try to coin another, I think … “chillax” — think “chill” and “relax.”
Those pasty faced teens are so cool …
Really? My friends and I have been saying “chillax” for years!
I can’t take credit for “hilarrible,” though I’d love to.
One of my more literate buddies started saying it when we were having a chat about “Twilight” — and how reading the book was murder. We’d been curious about all the buzz — and curiosity killed the nerdettes. Do tell me you haven’t had to read the eye-gougingly bad book.
Okay, well, despite your disdain for all things Twilight, I went to see it last night with some other adult female friends of mine. And all of us really liked it. And none of us had read the book. And I kind of really want to see it again. I’m not sure if I’m glad to get that off my chest because now everyone is here might sneer at and mock me.
I do realize that since I do not like regular horror movies, I was perhaps predisposed to like it, since I was more interested in the characters and the storyline than the “scary” parts or lack of same. I did come home and tell my husband that most men would probably not like this movie (which is evidenced above). Has Mrs. Toto seen it and did she like it?
On a separate note, Christian – I would like sometime for you to let us post interview questions for you (like we did for Will Smith) to ask you about your job, your entertainment points of view, etc. Are you game? And if we post, will you answer?
I didn’t drag Mrs. WWTW to ‘Twilight” … she shrieks at even the tamest horror flick, so I figured she should skip it (I actually invited a high school student to see it with me … he’s considering career paths at the moment and one such path involves journalism)
Anyway, I’m glad you liked it … and don’t defend yourself for enjoying it. To each his/her own, eh? My niece is threatening to drag me to see it with her over the holidays — maybe I’ll feel differently the second time??
And I’m open to answer any questions you might have for me … either on the comments section or as a regular post. Fire away!
Decided to see what you had to say about this movie. I only watched it on DVD with my niece, but I didn’t “get it.”
My sister, however, is STILL talking about it (18 months later). She has read all the books and seen all three movies. She claims Twilight was the best, but she loved all three.
I would be comfortable chalking it up as a generational thing (I don’t fall into the ‘teen girl’ category), but my sister is 40-something and seems to be smitten by all things vampire.
I was feeling left out. But, after reading your review and some of the comments left by your female readers, I’m feeling better.
Thanks!
Twilight is horrible. I swear to god that Kristen Stewart is miserable 24/7, and that’s why she can’t act. Jacob acts like he’s mad and all testosterone fueled 24/7. The only people who can act are the actor and actresses who play the Cullens and the Volturi. I like sad movies. I’ve seen too many comedic movies, so I like seriousness.