(Guest post by James Frazier)
What cinephile doesn’t love a trip to the movie theater? A demented and debauched one, for sure, an individual with whom I want no concern.
Even as the ridiculous convenience of home video has bred a new breed of the celluloid obsessive, a jaunt to the movie house remains the quintessential viewing experience for those serious about their moving pictures.
Since I started this gig in 2006, I’ve been to the theater hundreds of times, and if there’s an experience to be had or detail to be noted, rest assured I’ve been witness to it. Over these years, I’ve meticulously noted the behavior patterns of theatergoers, and at long last have decided to transmute my knowledge and good sensibilities into advice form.
So for you, the movie theater patron, here are some behavior tips:
- Bring Your Kids – Children are our future, so why not bring them everywhere with you? Be they an infant or a precocious toddler, it’s important to bring any children you, your parents, or your neighbors have to the theater. Don’t be scared to bring them into a grisly R-rated feature or a talky courtroom drama; kids need to learn about depositions and decapitations sooner or later! To ensure that their self-esteem isn’t in the least impacted, encourage the youngsters to vocalize their every thought throughout the screening. This is America, and last I checked it’s a free country, which means that those stuffed shirts and their propriety can move to China if they don’t like it!
- Don’t Forget To Turn On Your Cell Phone – I wouldn’t want you to miss an important call from that cute boy who uses your attention to boost his ego. Some will tell you to trust the vibrate feature, but I’ve missed extremely important calls relying on that nonsense, so crank the ringer up to full volume. Take the call as if you were in your living room, because after all, you paid admission! And don’t be shy about raising your phone high and texting consistently throughout the film. The light show you put on can be an excellent distraction in the event the film is mediocre.
- Don’t Forget the Metal – You never know when you’ll need a bunch of loose change or 9mm shells. But don’t cram them in there too securely; blood flow and whatnot. If they just so happen to spill all over the metal floor, no big deal, I was totally clumsy myself at one point in life, dropping everything that found its way into my hands (22 years ago).
- Let Us Know When You’re Eating – Spend several minutes unwrapping your candy. Shake your drink to test how much liquid is left in it. Suck forcefully in order to get every last drop. Sneak in tacos wrapped in tin foil and enjoy. The theater is a place of openness and honesty, not a dinner with the Queen of England. Enjoy your refreshments!
- Make Catcalls Upon Female Nudity – Naked women are awesome and totally hot to boot. And if there’s one thing the cinematic experience often lacks, it’s the sort of audience enthusiasm one can find at your local strip club. So whistle, voice your approval, and clue everyone in to the machinations of your sex drive.
- Groan In Disgust Upon Male Nudity – Seriously, gross. We didn’t pay a bunch of money to see that. I shouldn’t have to elaborate.
- Voice Your Thoughts On The Film – OK, I’m lucky. I get paid to talk about what I think about film. Best job in the world, and it has made me rich to boot. But what do you think? I want to know. Not via a boring email or some inane post-screening conversation, but right then and there. Lean over and talk to me about your thoughts on the plot, the acting, the pacing. Make certain that everyone can hear, because if someone wants to politely keep their thoughts to themselves, they can watch a DVD at home.
- Sit Right In Front Of Me – No matter how many seats are available, it drives me nuts that so many patrons choose to place a number of seats between them and myself. Without someone in front of me, I’m tempted to put my feet up or stretch. Keeping distance between yourself and others violates the communal spirit of movie going! If I’m alone in a theater, I most appreciate the considerate individual who realizes that the best seat in the house is the one directly in front of me, the other 250 chairs be damned.
James Frazier is a graduate student just about to enter his final semester at the University of Northern Iowa. He has written film reviews for the university newspaper for three years and for the Waterloo-Cedar Falls Courier for a year and a half. When his friends and acquaintances have a question about movies or handguns, they often go to him first, for which he is thankful.
(Photo: George Clooney and Frances McDormand take in a movie during “Burn After Reading”/Focus Features)
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I would add that you should allow your small children to run about the theater while the movie is in progress, up and down the aisles at full speed and stand in front of the screen patting it. This will make sure that the cute little tyke is all tuckered out when you get home so there’s no problem with putting her/him to bed.
In addition, nothing’s better than putting your knees up on the chair in front of you and kicking the back when someone is sitting there.
Finally, theater management should get the most out of their commercial advertising by making sure it continues past the posted beginning time of the movie. This makes the advertisers happy as the folks trying to avoid same will have to be seated at that point and become a captive audience. Which serves them right.
Bouncing off your last point, K, arriving on or before the posted start-time is vastly overrated and too considerate to fellow theatre-goers, people who selfishly dare to mind when someone climbs over them to get to the coveted middle spots, spilling a butter-soaked trail of popcorn in case they forget the way for their jumbo refill halfway through the movie.
EricP: You forgot the best one. Standing in the aisle next to you, discussing where they want to sit while the movie is starting.
I actually haven’t had a lot of bad luck with people coming in while the movie is in progress. As much as I complain about theater etiquette, I consider myself sort of lucky. I talk to friends in Chicago and LA and the stories are far, far worse than anything I regularly encounter in Cedar Falls, IA.
IF there’s only three seats left in the theater, it’s always best to take the middle one.
Or.
Don’t sit next to your kids. Sit them with me.
Excellent! Oh, how I wish that the average movie goer who already employs all these bits of wisdom would read your review and had the mental capacity to understand how the rest of us esteem them so for getting the most out of their movie going experience.
Loved reading this! I wish this article were a prerequisite read for ticket purchase. Sigh.
Thanks Lisa! Perhaps I should make pamphlets and donate them to my local theaters.
Well written, James.
Here’s an appendix to #7:
Please recite aloud what Julia Roberts plans to say at the climax of Notting Hill, into that silence *before* she says it. I prefer your line reading to that overpaid hag’s, any day.
Yeah, pregnant pauses should be avoided at all costs, especially when they add tension and drama.
Feh. Who needs that?