WHAT WOULD TOTO WATCH? » Jason Statham

‘Crank: High Voltage’ – Battery up

cftoto — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 20:48:31 +0000

Remember that trailer for the “Crank” sequel, the one that made you feel like you’d fail a drug test after watching it?

“Crank: High Voltage” is even more frenetic than you expect. Dumber than dumb. Crazier than crazy. And chock full of fun before it, ironically, runs out out juice.

“Shoot ‘em Up” looks like “The Remains of the Day” by comparison.

Jason Statham returns as Chev Chelios, who starts the movie by dropping from the sky, landing on top of a car and, of course, surviving.

He’s captured by Chinese thugs who remove his heart and leave him with an artificial ticker. Seems his organs are in demand given his ability to withstand all sorts of punishment – and walk away without a scratch.

Chelios escapes before doctors can snip away any more vital parts, and the chase is officially on to reclaim his “strawberry tart.”

Yes, the movie stops cold to explain Chelios-speak.

But Chelios needs to keep recharging his fake heart in order to stay alive … and pummel the guys who took it.

“Crank: High Voltage” is so over the top in so many ways you’ll need an abacus just to keep score. It’s doesn’t just dabble in racial stereotypes, it implodes them until they litter the screen.

Co-star Amy Smart doesn’t simply bare her breasts, she has sex with Chelios in the middle of a race track – and that’s before her stripping scene and grrrl power fight with a mulleted ex-beau. Her wardrobe for the film could fit on a single hanger.

Country crooner Dwight Yoakam somehow fares worse, especially when he’s asked to emote while sitting on the commode. He’s either a good sport, or he lost a really embarrassing bet.

Writer/directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor slice and dice the footage, use split screens when the mood strikes and cobble together the action sequences as if they were just as juiced as Chelios.

It’s not for the squeamish – or for those with even a smidge of moral righteousness. Everyone else will enjoy roughly 50 minutes of sheer adrenaline.

But Neveldine and Taylor run out of card tricks long before Chelios and his tart can be reunited, and the final moments are ugly without the benefit of wit, humor or even the kind of excess that made the preceding scenes feel so liberating.

(Photo: Jason Statham plays a man who needs electricity to keep his artificial heart pumping in “Crank High Voltage.”)

Cold ‘Crank’

cftoto — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:21:26 +0000

Awwww, c’mon, I really wanna see this one.

Jason Statham’s latest bone-breaking adventure, “Crank: High Voltage,” won’t be screened for critics. It’s opening cold, in official movie speak. It hits theaters April 17.

Have you seen the trailer? It could jump start two dozen stalled cars. See for yourself:

Statham transports audiences, again

cftoto — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:32:37 +0000

The “Transporter” series is the little franchise that could.

“Transporter 3″ didn’t earn big bank during its theatrical run, although $32 million isn’t shabby for a no-budget threequel with zero stars besides the hulking Jason Statham.

But the film sold nearly 2 million copies in its first week of DVD release, and it became the number two downloaded film on iTunes and Amazon Video on Demand.

So what gives?

Two factors are at play. One, Statham is extremely comfortable in his niche. He’s an action hero, and doesn’t feel the need to do comedy or Serious Work. He knows what puts food on his table.

And there’s always a yearning for full-on action movies. When I used to work at a mom ‘n’ pop video store, any movie with an actor brandishing a gun on the cover would fly off the shelves. No matter who the actor was … Sylvester Stallone or Jeff Speakman.

The “Transporter” series is just the latest example of audience hunger for no nonsense action films.

(Photo: Jason Statham’s “Transporter 3″ earned a solid debut on both DVD and download sales.)

What a week for DVD releases

cftoto — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:50:29 +0000

Better get in line at your local Blockbuster.

This week’s DVD release schedule is jammed with great choices – from Oscar winners to rauncy comedies.

First up is “Role Models,” which I reconsidered earlier this week.

Missed Sean Penn’s Oscar-winning portrayal of Harvey Milk? Check out “Milk” on DVD, which includes deleted scenes and featurettes like “Remembering Harvey” and “Hollywood Comes to San Franciso.”

The week’s other entries are equally riveting.

“Let the Right One In” offers one of the better twists on the horror genre in decades.

Anne Hathaway announced her arrival as an Oscar calibre actress in “Rachel Getting Married,” although the film’s knee-deep dysfunction disturbed more than a few viewers.

And last and probably least we have “Transporter 3,” another solid actioner from the Jason Statham assembly line.

(Photo: Sean Penn earned his second Oscar playing the slain gay rights icon Harvey Milk in “Milk.”)

‘Transporter 3′ – Statham delivers with authority

cftoto — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 15:36:09 +0000

Few franchises are as consistent as the “Transporter” series.

Consistent doesn’t mean great, or even good. But sequels should deliver precisely what the first film offered, and those expecting anything more shouldn’t complain when they get the original splashed with a fresh coat of paint.

It helps explain the modest rewards delivered by the Man in Black, Frank Martin, in “Transporter 3.”

He’s nothing if not the most efficient FedEx man in movie history.

It’s hard to describe the plot of the third installment, in part, because the screenwriters clearly didn’t craft it with an easy summary in mind. Or clarity.

Frank (Jason Statham) has a new assignment, and for once he has no choice in the matter. He has to deliver a package (contents are a question mark) for a weasely American millionaire (Robert Knepper) or else. Should he abandon the mission, and move farther than 75 feet from his beloved black Audi, a metallic bracelet on his wrist will explode.

No chance of “Transporter 4, 5 and 6.”

He’s accompanied by a mysterious, heavily freckled woman (Natalya Rudakova) who talks in that funny broken accent known as vaguely Eastern European. She’s a sizable distraction, but Frank works better when he’s grumbling about someone. Plus, she likes to booze it up and wears a pretty short skirt for much of the adventure.

Fellas, start your engines.

Statham remains a reliably engrossing martial arts hero, even if he looks more the bruiser than anything else. The film’s villain may be hard to decipher, but he’s far more wicked, and watchable, than the slug at the heart of “Quantum of Solace.” And Frank’s romantic chemistry with his mysterious gal pal also overshadows the recent Bond+Bond Babe fireworks.

Sure, “Transporter 3’s” dialogue sounds like it was scribbled down on a cocktail napkin, and the stunts defy gravity as well as every other scientific law on the books. But Frank’s still the man, tooling around in his tasty set of wheels and dispatching the bad guys without crinkling his suit.

It’s exactly what we’ve come to expect – consider that either an invitation or a warning.

(Photo: Star Jason Statham is behind the wheel for a third time in the fitfully entertaining “Transporter 3.”)

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‘Death Race’ – B-movie gets ‘A’ for effort

cftoto — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 18:03:37 +0000

Wanna see cars blow up real good? How ’bout Oscar nominee Joan Allen slinking around as a prison warden with a heart that wishes it was made of something as warm as steel? Or a shirtless Jason Statham bullying his way across the screen as if it owed him a million-dollar debt?

Then step right up to “Death Race,” a cheese-o-rama that wears its Velveeta with pride.

Statham stars as Jensen Ames (how’s that for a tough guy name?), a good man framed for the murder of his beloved wife.

Off he goes to prison, but since this is 2012 and prisons are now run by eeee-vil corporations, he’s in bigger trouble than he thought. He’s offered a get out of jail card by the warden (Allen) who says if he participates in the pay-per-view convict show “Death Race” he can earn his freedom.

The rest of this “Death Race 2000″ update purees metal-crunching action, awful dialogue and hokey supporting players with nicknames like Coach (Ian McShane, slumming and proud of it) and Machine Gun Joe (Tyrese Gibson).

Director Paul W.S. Anderson – never, ever to be confused with Paul Thomas Anderson of “There Will Be Blood” fame – indulges in every action movie cliche while inventing a few more. His camera shakes so much during the hard-charging action sequences that it’s hard to keep one’s equilibrium, but Statham is always on hand to ground the material.

The film flirts with social commentary, but it’s more interested in slow-motion shots of “Death Race’s” beautiful co-stars, like Natalie Martinez. No complaints here.

(Photo: Jason Statham plays a convict driving for his life in “Death Race.”)

Top 5 displaced ’80s action heroes

cftoto — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 15:15:45 +0000

Jason Statham is the perfect ’80s action star. Too bad he was born in 1972 and would have been in his pre-teens for most of that decade.

Back in the quasi-glorious 1980s, action stars needed to be muscle-bound, tougher than nails and frighten small children just by entering a room. Oh, and if you could act — all the better.

It’s why Statham, who stars in the new actioner “Death Race,” would have made a killing two decades ago. Instead, he’s one of five current stars who missed out on some Reagan-era cinema.

Jason Statham: The star of “Death Race” and “The Transporter” is a mountain of a man on screen. He’s bald, can glower his enemies into submission and strides with a sense of deadly purpose. He’s a throwback, plain and simple.
The Rock (Dwayne Johnson): The ex-wrestler should have been an ’80s action star, but he’s smart enough to realize that ain’t happening. So he improvised his career with mega-results. He bounces from kiddie flicks (“The Game Plan”) to action flicks (“The Rundown”) to action comedies (“Get Smart”) to forge his own path.
Vin Diesel: This action star tried to follow The Rock’s blueprint, but so far his career has been but a faded Xerox copy. He would have owned the ’80s. (Bonus points for the ambitious failure that was “Find Me Guilty.”)
Vinnie Jones: This former soccer star turns up mostly in secondary roles (“Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”). But his fearsome appearance and laser-like intensity could have easily deposited him into “Rambo” terrain.
Tyrese Gibson: This “Death Race” actor already boasts an impressive action resume, but none of his films have hit the stratosphere like “Die Hard,” “Rambo” or other ’80s heavyweights. (“The Transformers” doesn’t count – he played a supporting role in that blockbuster).

(Photo: Jason Statham forged his action hero image in “Transporter 2″)

DVD Stocking Stuffers: For the action addict in your life