Johnny Depp is one good lookin’ fella, and he’s got the People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive certification to prove it.

If that’s not enough, just ask the nearest woman what she thinks of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” star. Better catch her before she swoons and hits the deck.

But on screen, he’s not very good in the romance department lately.

Consider “The Tourist,” last year’s pairing of Depp and the equally pretty Angelina Jolie. The two looked like they had been set up on a blind date, and all each could think about is how they’d chew out the friend who did the matchmaking.

In 2009’s “Public Enemies,” director Michael Mann cast the lovely Marion Cotillard as Depp’s on-screen paramour. Again, the sexual chemistry meter remained more or less neutral, partially staying true to Depp’s character. John Dillinger’s first love was robbing banks. Women came a distant second.

This week, Depp returns to the screen in “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,” teaming him with one of the most attractive women in Hollywood – again.

Co-star Penelope Cruz isn’t just another pretty face. She’s an Oscar winner with a killer accent. And yet the two go through the requisite flirting motions without making much in the way of sparks. Blame the storyline, the flaccid script or the fact that Cruz was preggers during the film’s shoot. Depp simply doesn’t make the romantic subplot work.

This all could trace back to Depp’s penchant for quixotic roles. He loves playing the outsider, the guy who others look at from the corner of their eye or with outright disdain. That’s his comfort zone. Those characters aren’t easy to like, let alone watch fall in love. What kind of romantic entanglement could The Mad Hatter possess in “Alice in Wonderland?” It would be awful creepy to see Willy Wonka make time with the ladies in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.”

Depp hasn’t always been so chaste. He played the roguish gypsy in “Chocolat” who made Juliette Binoche’s heart go pitter patter. But that was 11 years ago. Isn’t it time for one of the most dashing, talented actors to make a love story worth the price of admission?

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(Photo: Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz play ex-lovers who reunite under difficult circumstances in “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.” Walt Disney Pictures)

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“Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” is arrgh-uably the best sequel yet to the 2003 original.

With that faint praise out of the way. let’s start the review.

Both Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom walked the plank before “On Stranger Tides” begins, leaving Johnny Depp as the remaining attraction. That’s marvelous news for those who can’t get enough of Depp’s fey ways. But the new “Pirates” carries over too many flaws from its predecessors, including an inability to put some of Hollywood’s finest actors to the test.

Depp returns as Capt. Jack Sparrow, the wobbly cad still mourning the loss of his Black Pearl vessel. Jack gets coerced into a new sea adventure, an expedition to find the legendary Fountain of Youth. The wicked Blackbeard (Ian McShane) forces Jack to help him find the Fountain, but the sozzled sailor is kept even more off-balance than usual by the presence of Angelica (Penelope Cruz), Blackbeard’s comely daughter.

Seems Jack and Angelica were once lovers, and they fight and flirt like old times.

Meanwhile, a British vessel commandeered by Jack’s nemesis Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) also seeks the Fountain. So does a team of Spanish explorers hot on their trail.

Who will get there first, and will Jack and Angelica stop bickering long enough to share a kiss, or something more?

“On Stranger Tides” isn’t a narrative nightmare like its predecessors, but the film feels bloated all the same sailing past the two hour mark. We get flickers of popcorn brilliance, like Jack’s nimble escape atop a pair of stagecoach vehicles. Director Rob Marshall (“Nine”) lets Depp’s loopy movements lead the way, making this far more than your generic set piece.

Jack’s reunion with Angelica begins with a round of sexually charged swordplay, the first and last time the stars display chemistry of any kind. The story has little time to work on such mundane matters.

Conflict is good. Seesawing emotions can be even better. But you never know where the characters in “On Stranger Tides” are leaning at any given time. Are Jack and Angelica falling back in love? In hate? In between? The script really doesn’t care, so long as it can squeeze off a half-hearted punch line out of their exchanges.

“You walk like a girl,” he tells her.

“You should know,” she snaps back.

The same dynamic holds for Jack and Barbossa, a wasted chance to build a rivalry that could legitimately fuel a few more installments.

The weakest link is an odd love story between a cleric and a mermaid, the details of which require too much time, space and energy to fully catalog. The less said about the story arc, the better.

Every actor here is capable of knocking one out of the park, especially Rush who delights in donning pirate gear and a cool peg leg. He’s having so much fun he doesn’t care that his scene stealing larceny essentially goes for naught. McShane isn’t as lucky, left with a poorly realized role and no juicy lines to masticate.

And, for those keeping score, the film’s 3D effects do manage to inject us into some of the elaborate sets, but their appeal diminishes right along with the rest of the film.

“Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides” should stop the franchise’s death spiral, but it still can’t convince us a fifth feature is required.

(Photo: Penelope Cruz, left, and Ian McShane, right, join star Johnny Depp – middle – for the fourth installment of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” series.)

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Woody Allen’s newest loves, Scarlett Johansson and the city of Barcelona, are front and center in his latest dramedy.

Allen shook away decades of complacency by hauling his cast and crew from New York to London a few years back for “Match Point.”

Now, he’s on the move again with “Vicky Cristina Barcelona,” out this week on DVD. His latest city of choice serves him remarkably well.

The film follows two gorgeous women, Vicky (Rebecca Hall of “Frost/Nixon”) and Cristina (Johansson), as they spend a few carefree weeks vacationing in Barcelona.

Cristina instantly crushes on a flirtatious painter (Javier Bardem, wearing precisely the right amount of facial stubble) while Vicky bemoans her friend’s questionable taste in men.

But Vicky may be protesting too much, since she finds herself drawn to the swarthy painter as well.

Knotty relationships and dalliances ensue, and eventually the painter’s ex (Penelope Cruz) enters the picture like a whirlwind.

Despite some superfluous narration that smacks of Allen-speak, “Barcelona” doesn’t feel like a typical Woody Allen film.

That’s a very good thing at this point in the aging auteur’s career.

The story has a freshness and zing lacking in some of his recent work, and it helps to have the dynamite one-two punch of Bardem and Cruz elevating one of his more probing scripts.

Cruz is sensational, even if her character is nothing more than the umpteenth variant on the Latina spitfire stereotype. Working partially in her native tongue, she’s confident, alluring and ultimately the most complex character in the bunch. It’s her best American role … ever.

Allen’s affection for Barcelona mirrors his postcards to New York City. A gorgeous blond like Cristina walks freely through the city without ever getting hounded by flirtatious locals. it’s a city without flaws, but as the backdrop to this lover quadrangle it works like magic.

As much as “Barcelona” plays up the earthly charms of its attractive characters and their libidinous lifestyle, it’s ultimately a chaste experience. Vicky, her arms perpetually folded, remains a guarded presence, one who can’t resist Bardem’s tractor-beam charms. The film itself ends up favoring her approach over that of the other characters.

Yet “Barcelona” loses its footing during its final scenes. Cristina suffers a moral crisis that comes out of nowhere – even the clumsy narrator can’t make much sense of it. A critical scene involving Cruz’s character feels more like a telenovela resolution than anything out of Allen’s past masterworks.

“Vicky Cristina Barcelona” marks another impressive chapter in Allen’s film evolution, even if he shows his age via the story’s conventional conclusion.

(Photo: Woody Allen, right, directs Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz (seated) and Scarlett Johansson in “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”)

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In Hollywood, Woody Allen is the guy at the beach who gets sand kicked in his face by the musclebound bully.

But in indie-land, he does the sand kicking.

Today’s independent films make a fraction of what most mainstream movies make, and we’re talking about a tiny fraction in the best-case scenarios.

“The Visitor” was one of 2008’s breakout indie hits. It’s total box office take? $9.4 million, according to Box Office Mojo. Other indies are lucky to crack the $2 million mark.

And then there’s the Woody Allen collection.

Take “Vicky Cristina Barcelona.” Allen’s latest film has earned $21 million – and counting. And while his previous film, “Cassandra’s Dream,” delivered a very ordinary $1 million, recent flicks like “Scoop” ($10 million) and “Match Point” ($23 million) greatly overachieved by indie standards.

The Allen brand, after all these years, still packs a wallop. Other indie films feature just as many good actors, and they often deal with themes far more pulp-worthy than Allen’s introspective fare. But people remain loyal to Allen and his neurotic storytelling.

(Photo: Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson confer with Woody Allen, right, on the set of “Vicky Cristina Barcelona.” – photo credit: Victor Bello/TWC 2008)

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